Looking for that zsa-zsa-zu

Last week I went on a date with a guy from OkCupid. The conversational-chemistry was there: the repartee was witty and conversation topics varied from passionate to silly but about half way through the date, even though I was having a good time, I realized I didn’t feel that umph (or “zsa-zsa-zu” for other SATC devotees). It just wasn’t there. I couldn’t imagine growing a desire to climb into bed with this guy. And while a few of my friends, including myself, have taken to the logic “if the first date doesn’t suck, it was good” are we kidding ourselves? Should I be expecting more or is this openness good?

 

If we’re going to go down this Sex and the City side street then it is also necessary to note that Charlotte wasn’t into Harry at first either but he won her over with sex and uninhibited love for her neuroses and eventually made her very happy. I know it was a scripted show but there must be some truth to it… doesn’t there?

 

On a different note: my weekend was lovely. Empowered by the rush of an amazing new haircut from Fumi Brooklyn Salon, I hit the town Saturday evening with lady-friends determined to take someone home. Further fueled by some wine, beer and tequila, the evening was a success.

 

The Artist was english (with a swoon inducing accent), slightly tattooed and entirely into post-coital, sleep cuddling.

 

I don’t think I’ve cuddled like that with someone I wasn’t seriously dating since my last unsuccessful relationship, years ago. That level of spooning (the kind where you breath into each other all night probably causing a minor amount of carbon dioxide poisoning) was the kind of relationship-specific-event I had forgotten. I won’t say I didn’t enjoy this reintroduction but generally speaking it’s not my style because I get too hot and sweaty when I sleep (which also explains why I leave my bedroom window open during the winter and my AC on high during the summer). But as an intense 180 from my most recent bed-tenants and in light of my re-prioritization it was a great change of pace. So much so that where the sex wasn’t the same wham-bam it was pleasantly exhilarating and intimate.

 

While I wouldn’t say our connection otherwise was out of this world, the Artist’s level of cuddle-loving has me wondering: is it possible for someone to cuddle/spoon SO HARD and not call you for a followup? Sure there seems to be more of an alternative when the sex is overall kind of distant. Not that I mind in all cases but there’s something about being bent over (even in the sexiest way possible) that doesn’t necessarily suggest that you’re going to get a callback. But this kind of intimate sleeping arrangement prompts other thoughts: does it matter who or would a body pillow suffice? if you love it so much, why wouldn’t you prolong your current situation as long as possible if not until you move onto the next? or is it more a “see it, got to have it” but “out of sight, out of mind” kind of desire?

 

Only time will tell, I suppose.

 

For me, it’s back to an afternoon of listening to Lily Allen and Lana Del Ray and then out to dinner and out for a friend’s last night in town.

And for you, coming soon will be some of the most impressionable messages I’ve received on online dating sites ranging from insightful to shockingly, hilariously bad. That’s right, even the ridiculous opening messages you send are not safe. Jakesjakes – all identities will be spared but their sentiments are something to be enjoyed.

 

Until then. 

Breakthrough

While I was vacationing in the Cape with my family, I latched onto an OkCupid texting conversation to keep myself from boredom or arguments. Like most families, I believe mine has a threshold of togetherness that caps at about 48 hours. We can do two day holidays (Christmas Eve, Christmas… Thanksgiving, day before or after with family visiting from out of town) but other than that, unless we really take time apart the togetherness eventually sours. So, to avoid over-investment I became engaged in a texting conversation with a boy (classic.).

 

Unlike other guys on the OkC he was very direct in what he wanted and where his boundaries stood. Initially I was drawn to his profile and picture – he was tall, blonde, with big-expressive facial features and looked very cute in a suit (but not in that tacky way… you know what I’m talking about)– so drawn apparently that I entirely overlooked the fact that he was an open Dom (yes, as in Dom/Sub: bdsm sex kind of stuff). Big thing to overlook. But as we continued to talk it came out more and more while he also showed his relaxed, goofy personality. Surprisingly enough, his verbal advances were some of the tamest and least creepy things I have ever read. While there were some graphic scenarios planned out and communicated, overall he stressed safety and trust. It wasn’t creepy–if that makes any sense–and until about fifteen minutes ago I was probably going to go through with it.

 

After about a week of talking back and forth we agreed to meet up tonight, feel each other out and then go from there. But as the date got closer and closer there seemed to be more and more planning regarding what our arrangement would be.

 

As a Dom he practiced poly-domming. He wasn’t interested in just a fuck-and-run kind of situation but was more interested in finding a relationship with Dom/Sub tendancies in sex and having an emotional connection but with multiple people. And while I don’t find that offensive, I couldn’t see myself participating in it. So initially we had proposed this just being a casual thing (something I am far more comfortable with) mostly because I really wasn’t interested in knowing about the other people he was involved with and I didn’t want to think about sharing his affection. I’m also not trying to imply that there was some sort of revolving door of women (I never got that sense from him) but I didn’t want to become a part of this type of “family” as clearly they all cared and were invested in each other with him as the common bond. It was a little too close to an episode of Sister Wives for my liking.

 

So our first concession was that this would be casual. Then what if there was more. And he didn’t particularly love the bar scene so we were going to meet a restaurant for drinks and maybe light apps while he usually invites the girls he ends up seeing to his place for wine.

 

And at first all of these concessions seemed sensible and worth it to experience something closer to Dom/Sub sex (because if not now, then when?) for the purpose of exploration with someone who was clearly experienced, respectful and had invested time in gathering the materials (we’re talking tables of toys, whips, spread bars, cuffs, leashes–you name it) but the more we discussed and organized the more clear it became that this was just a bad idea. We were both clearly looking for something very different and maybe hoping to find it in the other person that we were initially attracted to but sometimes things just don’t work out like that.

 

I don’t think that makes me a pessimist for openly thinking it wouldn’t (couldn’t) possibly work but I do think it’s helped me realize a few things that I have been treading through since my little breakdown over the Politico-In-Training (heretoforward to be referred to as the P.I.T.). While I do genuinely enjoy the occasional romp-around with the usual suspect (Dickpic), I think I’m ready to take the casual sex off my profile and take this all a little more seriously by getting out more. While out last night with a friend who was visiting from out of town I re-found the Brooklyn Brunette from last summer who talked to whoever she wanted (except that guy with the red plaid shirt at Summit Bar last night–I entirely skipped that opportunity) and despite the hangover-headache today that girl had a great time. I think it really just took some new hairspray and a better mascara.

Now it’s back to easy listening with Billy Joel to finish off the work week and jump into the weekend. Here’s to beautiful weather all around.